Well then, where do I start.........ah, it was sometime in December 2013. No, wait. Earlier than that, It all started in 2011......
A new school, new life.
We were both new, she and I. It was our first year in secondary school anyway. My first memory of her, was meeting in front of the computer laboratory.
Back then we had these computer skills classes that everyone had to take once a week on a weekday of your own choosing. I happened to have extra-curricular activities on early Wednesday mornings, so I choose Wednesday.
We introduced ourselves and talked. It was easy to talk with her, and soon I began to look forward to Wednesday mornings with her while we waited for IT classes.
We were in the same homeroom class, but we never talked much in class as we sat quite far apart.
Nothing much happened that year but I remember as the academic year was coming to a close, I overheard a conversation between her and her friends.
"I wish I could be in the same class as you next year!" said one of her friends. 'I hope so too', I muttered under my breath.
But little did I know, fate had big plans for the two of us.
Fast-forward, 2012.
My wish came true, we ended up in the same class, 2.9.
I was unexpectedly elected the class monitor, with the assistant position being given to someone else I didn't know at all.
Deep down I had hoped it could be her, but I didn't muster up the courage to publicly nominate her for fear that she would despise for it.
But the assistant class monitor quit a few days later, so I took the opportunity to ask her.
"Didn't you say you wanted to be a class monitor too?", I teased as I vaguely remember such a topic coming up before in our conversations.
And she agreed! I guess things blossomed from that, I had an excuse, a valid reason to interact with her.
And the year flew by yet again, working together was a breeze. Though I don't have very vivid memories of our interactions, a pleasant feeling always lingers when I reminisce.
It was then, that I felt a sense on compatibility.
2013, 3.9
Turns out classes remained largely unchanged. Our bond grew, beyond just colleagues, so did her place in my heart. But I didn't think much of it, I was young but I knew enough how to prioritise. Apart from rumours here and there, things were good. And I admit, this played a big role in making me enjoy school in 2013.
But soon enough, PMR was over. And we both knew, we weren't going to be classmates again.
I have always had a knack for science and a passion for STEM subjects, and while she scored decently in Science it was something that she struggled studying for.
After this year, we'd be in Science and Art streams respectively but there was no sadness in either of us, there was simply no need for it.
In December, somehow a group of friends including both of us started sharing secrets out of boredom, I only shared my crush with the guys. (The group was 3 guys and 3 girls)
But they teased and leaked, ultimately I felt that it's just not fair to leave with half an answer. So on the 21 of December, Winter solstice, I confessed to her.
Her response? "Thank you" Harsh? Perhaps. But I wasn't expecting anything anyway, I wasn't ready for a relationship. Things remained alright, but nothing prepared me for what's to come.
2014, 4S5
My class was situated right next to hers, I was thrilled at first. What better than a close friend nearby when having to adjust to a new environment. It was nice hanging around her. But some point along the road, things started to go cold. We both started thinking too much, perhaps because of the tremendous pressure from our friends, or just us trying to figure out something that is unexplainable. I would get shrugged off or ignored. My heart ached, and I couldn't focus.
During this time, I got to know another group of friends from one of the two top classes of our cohort - "The elites", as they were called.
They really showed me that life had so much more to offer. So after struggling with my inner self for a while, I was adamant to find a new focus and let her go.
So I strived to earn my ranks among the elites. And it worked! I made it, but I haven't really let her go, just yet.
This year, a poem of mine was accepted into the school's yearbook. In my entry, I had inserted a stanza talking about her, a message to her hiding in plain sight.
2014, A school trip
It was a school trip with the English society, I had gotten in due to my involvements in the School Debate Society.
I have no idea how she got in, but the society was a friendly bunch so I wasn't surprised.
I don't remember much, except wearing the cap that she and another friend bought for me from the previous school trip.
On the bus journey home, everyone had a Karaoke session with the bus PA system. It was very entertaining, and that was when I sang 'Let Her Go' on the bus, I meant it.
At least, I thought I had.
2015, 5S1.
Being Young, Wild and Free, it healed my wounds and coloured my life. With the lack of contact, I guess rumours died out. But things went really
great that year. For once, we could talk without much pressure or harassment. Sure, she had a relationship. And that she confessed that she liked me for a while.
But we were through with that, at least I was. And things got back to what they were before, maybe better. I believe both of us had a better idea of what we wanted, and what we don't. Oh, my poetry got its way into the yearbook and yet again I slid a message in for all to see but none to understand. I wonder have I been figured out yet?
At the end of the year, I made sure to meet her one more time before I left for my studies overseas.
At that point, I saw her as a close friend, one that I knew I could trust, and one that I would try my best to help in whatever way I can.
We exchanged some friendship momentos, and a few hours later I took my flight.
2016. Halfway around the world.
Since the first few weeks here, I realised that I still felt a feeling of hearth with her. I dismissed it as familiarity, or the warmth of embers that once burned so brightly it hurt.
And when she was accepted into the local matriculation programme, she told me immediately. When I caught myself smiling at her achievement, I knew she still held a place in my heart, and that my
heart was no longer chipped. The fact that she told me as soon as she knew, I guess that's a good enough answer that I, too, hold a place in her heart, big or small.
It was not until a while later that a wise friend made me realise, what she and I had, was indeed a form of love.
No matter how petty it was, it was love. Not infatuation nor limerence. We grew a lot together, with memories bittersweet.
Alas, I'm glad I choose Wednesday, I'm glad that I confessed, I am happy for us, for the things we achieved, and the people we've become.
Most importantly, I am grateful, that it was you whom I liked and probably loved, throughout the 5 years of secondary school.
——
.
.
“真的要咩？放这张”
“放啦，奖励那些看到最后的”
“哦”
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